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[July 10, 2017 @ 1:48pm] |
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[November 12, 2009 @ 1:26pm] |
I can't help but look forward. Sitting in a new place, a new start. Mentally, physically emotionally I am just a better person. Nicolette made a joke the other day that I have mental breakdowns, biyearly broke downs, but they are much more common then that lately. My heart has been full of such despair and sorrow. After Natalie's accident I lost my ambition, my lust for life.
I just thought about the fact that my life will be about attaining things, a husband, a house, a nice car, with a nice yard, and a closet full of nice things. What a waste of life, to just accumulate things. And the whole while I will be losing my loved ones. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, friends, family.... I can't really explain completely the horrible things that would go through my mind. The cloud of desperation was too thick to see out of it. But its thinning, things are coming together completely. I have been trying with my mom, really trying. Living with her might be one of the harder things I have to deal with day to day...but I know it helps her.
I took the weight of expectations off of my shoulders. I want to live my life each day, each step. I want to make my mistakes, fall down and pull myself back up. I want to travel, experience things, love. But more importantly I want to help people. In a world full of so much negativity, so much hate, I want to bring in sunshine...I guess the next couple years will be spent figuring out exactly how I can do that.
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[October 02, 2009 @ 9:34am] |
I cried yesterday on my drive home.
I cried while pouring myself cereal.
I cried when I talked with my mom.
I laid on the couch crying while Hector and my mom tried to talk to me to cheer me up.
Some days I am just overcome with sadness. Like this burden of pain and hurt and sorrow is just too heavy to carry and if I don't cry then tears will just seep from my skin.
Its a combination of things really - some like missing Natalie that I need to learn to carry and manage.
And some that I need to overcome - like an emotionally retarded father who only provides help under his insane conditions.
I just want to be happy.
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[September 28, 2009 @ 9:55pm] |
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Summer 2009 was my summer of love. new developments, exciting changes - lets not write about this now though. Writing about blossoming romances in here seems to be an instant poison to that relationship.
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[August 10, 2009 @ 1:45pm] |
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Sometimes you need to break it down to build it back up.
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[August 08, 2009 @ 11:34am] |
I really don't know what to say. I just find comfort typing, typing in this journal. I wish my hands could catch up to my mind while holding a pen because I like the intimacy of my paper journal. But usually I only end up writing sentences and thoughts because my mind races too fast. I am familiar with this keyboard - I can keep up with my thoughts - my fingers are fast.
Lately I have thought about all of these lives that I want to live. If I could I would infuse all the aspects of my soul that I want to nurture. I want to be wild and free. I want to live without connections to monotony. I want to do something new everyday - see new faces. I haven't paid my cell phone bill. And as much as I want to ask my dad to pay for it I like waking up and just having myself. My own head.
Well not entirely by myself.
Life is silly sometimes.
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[July 15, 2009 @ 4:28am] |
let me not think too much tonight, because the tears will come quickly.
& i cried already today watching the last few scenes of harry potter.
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[July 04, 2009 @ 7:59am] |
I came home from work last night in a bad mood so I just went to bed. I needed to rest I've been sick and haven't taken care of myself.
I don't think that the people I love realize what that means. I have this need inside me to make everyone happy, I don't like to see the ones I love upset. Along with that I need to keep everyone safe, I need everyone I have in my life...
My dog is too fucking cute to keep writing, instead I'm going to go cuddle with him.
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| My week in June spread across 4 years - well 5 now. |
[June 11, 2009 @ 4:20am] |
June 11, 2004
It is so weird that it is summer.
Definately doesn't feel like it.
My first night of summer wasn't exciting, but it was enjoyable. I watched the movie awards with my loves...my loyal Bradys. It was a lot of fun.
Natalie spent the night. We always have fun. I cried, I tried not to show I was crying but she saw. I hate that I cry, especially of all things over that.
She gave me a monopoly card of a broken heart. Its funny she didn't know the inside joke behind that...just gave it to me. Made me smile and my insides ache. L-a-m-e.
I am off to enjoy my summer.
Comment and I will give you a dollar
June 10, 2005
How do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system
and love does not, as promised, conquer all
is hope a drug we need to go off of?
or is it keeping us alive?
what's the harm in believing...
June 11, 2006
Dear Diary,
I can't sleep, honestly I never can. It's a miracle if I can fall asleep before 4...and tonight a miracle didn't happen. However I do like nights like tonight.
I worked and train. Even though Mazzola's is ghetto as hell, and hot, and broken I like my job. I'll like serving even better. I am afriad of carrying trays. After work the girls came over and ate and watched me get ready. I have no idea what nonsense Jenny put as my away I hope its funny. We went to Ari's friends house. It was a lot of random people that we made friend's with. The captain made a small appearance. We joked and talked and the night went by surprisingly fast. Honestly, I don't start my nights till...12 earliest. Last night my night started at 1.30 and actually ended pretty early after. I like cuddling, its comforting. I wish I made money at the casino, but I am rambling right now. Back to tonight. We joked, laughed, had fun. Well behaved fun I must add. Cata drank more then me, and I stopped drinking early in the night. I never got drunk, tipsy at most. So I drove her home. It was my way of repaying her for letting me pee in her front yard and vomit in her toliet back in the day. Honestly...a lot of people think that they are best friends, but they're clicks will die soon. People that stay best friends are really best friends. I know I bitch and complain about my friends, but thats what makes us all sisters. Anyway yet again I am going off subject. So I drove Cata's car here. Were she is asleep and I'm awake. I need to get my stuff together, 4 isn't a good time to be writing in livejournal. My mom blessed with with holy water today. Hilarious. Oh and I sorted out Nat's ticket. Good times. And I was texting someone cool tonight, but my phone died. I called you...you might not appreciate the fact I did. But it's cause you're an awesome friend. Ah the vagueness of livejournal. Anyway I'm done rambling. Im tired, slightly buzzed...and strangely awake.
Who will read this shit.
If you do.
Tell me your favorite color.
And your favorite memory with me.
Or your fav sexual position.
Whatever your desire is.
PS THis is a totally old school LJ post. About my day.
June 12, 2007
I am sick of having to be the one that has to bend over backwards to make you happy. Sure I work harder, and I love taking care of you and making you happy. But I'm sick of when I need you you aren't there for me, when I need something it is to big of an inconvience. I made mistakes but I promise I'm a good person, I deserve love. I feel so worthless so often.
I care more about all aspects in my life than they care about me.
June 16, 2008
I can't really make sense of my life.
I guess simply life isn't meant to be understood.
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[May 07, 2009 @ 1:57am] |
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Respect isn't something someone has to give you, something you are guaranteed. You receive respect when you have respect for yourself, act in an according manner. I don't go around demanding respect, nor did I when I fucked up. I acknowledge my mistakes. I took the dirty looks and name calling. I understood that because I acted in a scummy way I didn't have the respect of my friends, people in general. I just know the mistakes I made - I know today I act better than yesterday. But when you continuously do things to your friends - your best friends - and for what? For the cheap thrill of unemotional sex? Well then I just have pity on you, and anger. And that anger might come out a rum bottle later on your phone.
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[April 28, 2009 @ 12:44am] |
never say never.
the past year of my life i haven't really accomplished much but developing a tough skin and a stronger backbone.
its time to spend the next half putting back together pieces of my life that are missing. leaving some out, because even without those i am still whole.
i think i'm going to listen to music that makes me cry but instead smile.
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[February 12, 2009 @ 1:09am] |
I wrote this 4 years and 3 days ago:
"It's your birthday, Feburary 16th, and now you are 17. And I wish more then anything that I was there next to you watching you blow out your candles or atleast to give you a big birthday hug. I wish that you and I could have memories like these everyday, or every weekend or once a month. I am so glad that I got to share all these great happy sad random aggravating times with you. And I have no doubt that we will have tons of other birthdays as best friends. I know that I will be going to your kid's bitrhday parties. And thats because me and you get along so well. We laugh off the stupid silly things and we talk about the tough hard times. We know each other so well, that I know you will think every single one of these pictures of you is ugly and you look fat, but you look gorgeous. I know that you laugh and say some of our inside jokes out loud when you read this. Well Natalie I hope more then anything your day is full of love lots of happiness and everything you deserve. You are my sister my best friend, my support and I miss you more then you know.
Love you always.
Chinita. Vivian Frances."
This is what set me off the other day, and the fact that Monday Natalie should be blowing out her candles and turning 21 is tearing me up.
I love her, I love her every day and miss her every day. Its a pain I carry in my heart, but its next to the love she filled it with.
I'm going to be in Arizona in about 36 hours, then California. If I can't be with Natalie, I will be with her family. We will be together, and you will be with us <3
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[February 10, 2009 @ 2:27pm] |
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I think I'm going to delete this. Reading old entries isn't a happy thing anymore, just a reminder of how much better things were.
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[December 17, 2008 @ 1:58pm] |
Recycled words are my favorite
"Everything has already happened and me writing about it won't change anything. It's all memories now, good bad sad and happy."
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[December 01, 2008 @ 2:20am] |
Losing your best friend is a pain that I wouldn't wish on another soul. Especially a best friend that has lived so far for so long. Its easy to forget about, but once you remember the fact this shit is actually happen...the pain is unimaginable. Its harder then before. It cuts into you.
Thank you LJ for having an autosave feature now - for posts like these I was too sad to post.
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[October 20, 2008 @ 6:27pm] |
Natalie,
I just wanted to let you know how much I love you. What an amazing person you are and how much you mean to me.
I know what its like to be so low. To hate yourself. To look at yourself and think Why am I such a horrible person, and in the end really pass off the things I do. I'm just like you Nat. We all have our ups and our downs and if your going through a down right now stick through it. Eventually everything works itself out. Eventually we grow stronger, and maybe even wiser. I don't know much about life so I can't give you advice. I can't judge anything you do, because I've done worse. I just want you to know Natalie Evaro that you are my best friend. You are my Braah. You are my Brady and above all you are my soulmate. And a few days with out talking, a few days without phone calls. A few months without seeing you isn't going to change that. You are so beautiful Natalie. And not just on the outside. You have a personality that radiates and makes people want to be around you, that makes people want to be you. :) You have a truthfullness in you that many people lack. You are carefree and wild, something people wish they could be. Never look at yourself and see an ounce of ugliness. Because when I look at you I wish I was just as pretty as you. When we go out you can put yourself together in such a gorgeous way. And even just waking up your beautiful, thats why every guy wants to marry you. I just wanted to say Nat that I love you . To be safe and to think of yourself as I do. Because your so important to me Nat, And I don't want you to be sad.
I love you sister.
Always.
-------------------------------------------
I wrote this to her in private, so long ago. I don't know what to say. Nat left us on Friday night. Her heart still works, her body, her brain less than 1%. But I hope your ears work Nat. I whispered to you, I held your hand, I kissed your cheek. You are my soulmate.
My life is now meant to be lived for you as well.
As soon as I know more I will let everyone know.
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[July 13, 2008 @ 1:08pm] |
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Being alone isn't as liberating as I thought. In fact it has shown be how desperate I am for attention at times. I just want to feel safe, and settled.
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[May 28, 2008 @ 12:46pm] |
I'm at this really strange part of my life. I need to detach from this, and start forming my new life...my own life.
I am really anxious, and not in a good way. I think I am going to take some time for myself.
Learn about myself. Wake up early and do as much in my days as possible. Go to museums and parks and drive around, walk around, just try to learn about myself.
Because honestly none of us spend enough time with ourselves.
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[April 03, 2008 @ 11:51pm] |
I don't know where to go after BCC, and the fact i finish and need to transfer in the Spring is strange, so I am trying to figure things out.
I am between UF and UCF, the first for pure educational reasons, and the latter for Chris...if he decides to get his ass up there, and the fact it is better than FIU or FAU, both schools I don't want to go to.
Oh lordy I don't know what to do.
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vivister's journal
